I’m sure upon reading the title you are like, Carla you have got to be kidding me! I can’t forgive them for what they did to me! Or perhaps you have tried and still carry resentment in your heart!
My mission with my new weekly blogs is to share my heart with you in simple yet strategic steps so you too can overcome.
Growing up I was physically abused by my stepfather, and often felt neglected by my birth father. After being hurt, rejected and abused the only thing I ever wanted was for someone to fight for me. To stand up for me and be the voice I didn’t realize I had at the time.
Overtime, through my various disappointments I learned that by helping others it actually made me feel better. My first time sharing anything I had gone through was in 2014 when I released my first book, The Power in Waiting: What Do You Do When What God SAID, Doesn’t Line Up With What You SEE.
Releasing that book cost me a friendship that I held very dear to my heart but I totally understand now why it was a conflict of interest for her. The man I described in the book was her father.
While she knew him as this amazing father, I knew him as the monster in my dreams. I remember lying in bed one night with my mom only to be awakened to this tall dark presence hovering over us.
It was him; my stepfather had broken into our home and was literally looking like he was contemplating on killing us both! My sister wasn’t there because early on she was made to go live with her Dad because she had went to bed with a knife under her pillow and vowed to kill him if he ever hit my mom again. That was the worst day of my life back then! Being alone with this monster and now he is standing over us.
I remember waking my mom up and she directed me to go into my room. “And leave you in here with him ALONE?” I remembered thinking, she has got to be crazy! I may have been young but I remembered my sister’s grandmother teaching me how to call on the name of Jesus and I went in the room and started praying.
What’s my point? Although my mom wasn’t married to my stepfather for an extended amount of time it only took a few years for me to become traumatized which would lead me to having nightmares about my childhood until I was 23 years old. I would always have dream that some man was trying to kill my mom.
I remember calling her in the middle of the night on several occasions even after she married her now husband to ensure she was okay. I’ve always been protective of my mom because I witnessed her be mistreated more times than I could count.
But my Mom had the most forgiving heart ever. Too forgiving if you ask me. Here’s what I learned as I grew up and began to experience life as a mother, leader and entrepreneur: Life is tough and if I can survive my childhood and come out in my right mind then I can survive anything! Better yet, if I can forgive my stepfather and even his daughter for cutting me off because she felt I was “playing the victim” by sharing my story then surely I can forgive ANYONE!
HOW DID YOU FORGIVE HIM? I’m sure you are asking this question. Truth is, when you harbor unforgiveness in your heart toward people they remain at the forefront of your mind everyday of your life while they move on with theirs.
What if he had asked God for forgiveness and moved on with his life while I remain stuck, angry and full of anxiety coupled with anger and resentment?
WHO AM I HURTING REALLY? I honestly grew tired of being mad and began to read books on forgiveness and healing and even went as far as to hire a therapist to help me work through my childhood issues.
I recently wrote a new book where I share how all of these trials I experienced in my life taught me how to “Experience God as Abba” or Daddy as I like to call it.
In chapter 7 of my new book, BELOVED: Understanding & Healing the Father Wound I share 10 Ways to Deal with the Pain in Order to Heal it. I want to share the first one with you today:
- Acknowledgement- In order to overcome any type of heartache or trauma it’s important that you first acknowledge that it happened to you and how it made you feel.
Pretending it never happened won’t make the pain go away. Give yourself permission to pause (not park) and sit in your pain and allow yourself to feel the whole emotion of anger, resentment, sadness, confusion or whatever it is.
Too often we are taught that we shouldn’t feel certain things but God gave us emotions for a reason and it’s not what we feel that’s right or wrong, it’s the actions we allow our feelings to lead us to that makes the difference.
To heal from every lingering hurt I encourage you to get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle on the left side write: “NAME” on the right insert “WHAT THEY DID TO ME.” It’s important to be specific because writing and revisiting is a part of your healing process.
You’ve been carrying this ache and pain for so long that now is the time to get it out and admit that you weren’t just “fondled” but you were molested. Admit that your husband didn’t just cheat on you with your best friend, he betrayed you. Admit that your mother or father (or both) denied you of an opportunity to grow up in a safe environment because they had their own issues to focus on.
Whatever, whoever; WRITE IT DOWN! Get it out! What I’ve learned on my soon to be 35 years on earth is that negative energy has to go somewhere & it’s up to us to get it out.
Here are a few ways you can release negative energy:
- Talking to someone
Sure, most spiritual people will say, just pray. Now I am a firm believer that prayer works but I also understand that faith without works is dead! We must DO SOMETHING!
I know this is alot to take in so take a moment to revisit what I shared above and comment below sharing your thoughts! I’ll be sure to reply as soon as I can because I want you to know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Guess what else? It is possible to forgive EVERYONE for EVERYTHING even if it’s by faith. Continue to release what you’re feeling and make a commitment to free yourself by declaring aloud, ” I forgive ___________ (insert their name) for ____________________________ (insert what they did to you.)
Click the link below to grab a copy of my new book: BELOVED!